Every year it happens. You're basking in the warm glow of the television when the bombardment of your better half rains down with those annoying little words: "Baby, I wanna watch a Christmas movie."
Oh. Dear. God. Not Little Women again! Your argument of "just because it has a Christmas scene, doesn't mean it's a Christmas movie" is weaker than your left-handed layup.
You reach for a compromise, but all you have is A Christmas Story. It's tired, dated and you've seen that little snot neighbor kid stick his tongue to the light pole every year since you were five. Skip the heart-tingling Santa story and choose something with some gusto. Maybe an explosion or two. Better yet, how about a crane kick to the face?
Before we start our "Movies at Christmas, but not about Christmas" list, here are some that didn't quite make it:
Home Alone - It's not directly about Christmas, and it comes with a healthy dose of slapstick buffoonery with a side of air gun blasts to the groin. However, if you forgot Marv and Harry were burglarizing houses during the holidays, you should slap cheeks with both hands and scream.
Edward Scissorhands - What seemed like a majestic trip inside Tim Burton's mind, now looks like just another Tim Burton movie. Honestly, who wants clippers for hands? No fingers, just sharp pointy blades. How are you supposed to pee? As a Guyville first, we say let Johnny be a guy pirate all he wants, but leave the scissor dude in the 80's. Edward Scissorhands is not a guy movie.
Reindeer Games - Who would have thought you could take a simple line from Rudolph and turn it into an action-packed thriller. Ben Affleck, that's who. Trust us, it's a terrible movie. One CNN review said, "Reindeer Games isn't at the bottom of the creative barrel, but it's close." You're better off watching Little Women again.
With that said, nothing will put you into a jollier mood than these totally guy Christmas movies:
10. Dead Poets Society
O' Captain! My Captain! Ok, it might not put you in the most jolly of moods, but this coming of age tale about a poetry teacher inspiring seven young prep school boys to seize the day is a refreshing reminder that Robin Williams wasn't always making an ass of himself. You'll laugh. You'll cry (that's not an understatement. The room might get a little dusty when one of the seven doesn't quite pull through). Using our Little Woman logic, since the movie take place throughout a school year and there are Christmas scenes - it totally counts.
9. Lethal Weapon
"I'm too old for this shit!" I'm too old to remember Mel Gipson was supposed to be "the lethal weapon". I'm too old to remember he was a hunky sex God with a mullet. And I'm too old to remember all four movies revolved around Murtaugh's family providing a shelter for Riggs to rebuild his shattered life - starting with a heartfelt Christmas meal. This crazy awesome buddy cop flick will make you think dislocating your shoulder to escape from a straight jacket is just as easy as it looks. Go ahead, try it!
8. Psycho
Fun factoid: since red blood looks gray when filmed in black and white, Alfred Hitchcock used Hersey's Syrup to simulate blood in the shower scene. This is one of those solid movies where you probably know the ending, but have never sat down and watched the whole thing. Where's Christmas? We're unsure if they ever mention the holidays, but there are signs of Christmas trees and ornaments sprinkled throughout the film.
7. Ghostbusters II
Vigo. The master of evil. Tryin' to battle my boys. That's not legal. The boys in gray are back at it to stop the end of the world on New Year's Eve 1989. On a scale of one to awesome, the Ghostbusters are pretty high on the list, but this movie hurts their legacy. It seemed like a mishmash of all the ideas they couldn't fit into the first movie: The Statue of Liberty crossing the Hudson. The tired love story with Sigourney Weaver. Slimer sliming things for the hell of it. Even without bringing anything new to the table, Ghostbusters II has timeless special effects and some sweet late 80's rap that you'll be hummin' before the night is through.
6. Die Hard 2 - Die Harder
Nowadays, we don't fart around with the idea of terrorists hijacking planes and crashing them during the holidays. But back in 1990, airline terrorists seem to be as mythical as Santa himself. Just like Ghostbusters II, the first Die Hard sequel seems to be just another rehash of the first one. How does a New York cop find himself in Chicago, only to fight terrorists - again on Christmas Eve? This time McClane has shoes (a big plus) and he uses a lighter to blow up a 747!
5. Batman Returns
After his aristocratic parents leave him at the doorstep of the city zoo, a deformed child grows under the care of penguins to become an evil arch nemesis of the caped crusader. Weak sauce, Mr. Penguin! Watch out, you might get me with your umbrella. Lucky for us Michelle Pfeiffer steals the show as the sexiest Catwoman to ever don pleather. It's not the best out of the litter, but it's far from the worst. Remember, Christmas is to winter as Batman is to badass.
4. The Karate Kid
When my kids ask me "what were the 80's like?" I'll show them the You're the Best fight montage during the All Hill Valley Karate Tournament (along with the scene Axel Foley drives down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills Cop and the opening sequence to The A-Team. Those three things were the 1980's through my prepubescent eyes.) Bill Simmons describes Mr. Miyagi as "a cross between Mickey from "Rocky," Pop from "The Longest Yard" and Confucious." There's no one you can hate more than that blond douche Johnny Lawrence, and you can't help but feel like Daniel-san would tear the whole Cobra Kia dojo a new one by the end of the movie. BTW, the All Hill Valley Karate Tournament happens in December. There are Christmas lights in the background. Crane kick this DVD in the player and start sweeping the leg.
3. Rocky IV
The movie that single handedly ended the Cold War! Rocky retires. Apollo fights the Russian. Apollo dies. Rocky unretires. Goes to Russia. Hearts on Fire montage as he climbs the impossibly steep snowy mountain. Rocky fights the Russian. Rocky wins! "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you's can change, everybody can change!" You guessed it. Rocky won the fight on Christmas Day.
2. Gremlins
Three rules: Stay away from bright light. Stay away from water. Stay away from food after midnight. No, these aren't the rules for your one-night stand. This is to prevent your mogwai from multiplying. Billy receives little 'Gizmo' for Christmas and everything goes to hell when it multiplies and takes over the town. The weirdest part about this 'kinda Christmas movie' is when Kate tells Billy that her fear of Christmas was hatched as a child when her father broke his neck sneaking down the chimney dress like Santa Clause.
1. Die Hard
What does it mean to die hard? Apparently, it's when you fall to your death from an 80 story building in downtown Los Angeles. As the ultimate guy Christmas flick, Die Hard passes the test of time. No other story about a shoeless cop thwarting a band of foreign terrorists on Christmas Eve comes close. Seriously. Watch this movie again. The cinematography is jaw dropping. The story is compelling. And Bruce Willis? Yippee kai yay, mother-effing fantastic!
