Navigating the Language Barrier: A Quest to Seduce Foreign Hotties
She is an icon. The driving force behind Rosetta Stone advertisements and the American Pie franchise. The wet dream of any male student whose high school has the good fortune of a sister school. The real reason college graduates put off the real world to "find themselves" in the public showers of hostels.
Hot. Foreign. Chicks.
But how oh how do you communicate your ready willingness to do...well, pretty much anything when you have barely mastered "where is the bathroom?" Guyville is here to save the day with some much-needed pointers on landing the girl of your exotic dreams.
The Guyville Guide to Foreign Females: The Western Europe Edition
Study the demographic. Depending on where you are (at home attempting to land the sexy exchange student or abroad, a lone tiger shark in a whole sea of opportunity), you have one thing going for you. You are not them. You are different. And as much as that piques your interest in the opposite sex, often times the reverse is also true: they will be attracted to you because you are different.
This, however, is not enough. In most parts of Western Europe, the reaction to an average American dude does not equal your reaction to petite, cigarette smoking, throaty-voiced French women. Tough luck. The trick is to straddle the wavering line between being noticeably different and at the same time comfortably familiar. This can be done in several ways:
Fashion: If there are three things that really differ between American fashion and that of Western Europe, they are footwear, glasses, and cold-weather paraphernalia. You may hate to hear it, but faux-artistic super-metro Bill from work is heading in the right direction. Embrace the world of wing-tips with casual wear or retro-high tops with your everyday jeans. Pop on a neutral-colored scarf over your Northface jacket. Forget the contacts and pull out the old horn-rimmed specs from days gone by. Cardigans. Adding in a few Euro-approved accessories to your everyday look creates the kind of tension in appearance those overseas ladies love. Giving them a reason to give you the time of day is step one.
Language: There is no need to become a Francophile or Anglophile or any other type of -phile and drop American English from your repertoire. But learning how to say a few choice phrases in the language of your (wishful) lover is ideal for a number of seducing strategies. Imagine this: you approach the woman of your foreign fantasies, translation dictionary in hand. In stumbling, poorly-accented German, you stare her in her sparkling blue eyes and stutter, "you... are...beautiful." What a killer pick-up. Guaranteed at least a small chuckle, if not a segue into full-fledged conversation. Step two, complete.
Dance: Conversation is tricky, especially if a mutual proficiency in a common language is absent. If a extensive verbal exchange is imminent and neither of you have a clue what the other is saying, don't panic. That is step three. Do. Not. Panic. Because, when there are no words, music and motion speak. So figure out how to dance. Not like a 50 Cent music video. Please, for the love of God, anything but that. Different countries have different standards of dance. Unfortunately for the U.S., the "grind-line" has become the paradigm of gettin' down. Do not fall to this primitive style of lustful expression, certain to alienate and horrify any girl who did not grow up in the American public school system. Learn some killer moves that let her feel like a lady. A tip: Start out facing her, with about two feet between her torso and yours. If she goes for something a little more pelvis-oriented, all the better for you. But let her make the move.
If, even after these almost-surefire steps, you still fail in fulfilling your life-long foreigner fantasy, do not fret too much. Long-distance relationships almost never work. And there is always that tricky obstacle of mysterious dental hygiene to consider, so really... you might be better off without.
